The events this evening make me wonder if, in a way, many of us are living behind masks. This isn't to say I was dumbstruck when that person insulted me - I had a few things to fire back...but I didn't. Rhetorically, is that right? Is it wrong?

The difference I've noticed is my willingness to confront MORE at work and less outside of it. Why? I just don't know. If that had been a HKD student smarting off to me? Well, it could have been a whole different story, but there's no way to be sure. Conversely, co-workers have confronted me & it's straight talk to the end. One even threatened me & I told him he had five minutes to cool down (which he did, thankfully). Night & day...

Which is the mask & which is real? Why am I so willing to confront at work - where I feel more detached & less confident - than in Hapkido - where I'm a black belt, confident & sure of my capabilities? Who is the real person behind it all? To me, it feels weak to avoid that confrontation in class & yet the conflict seems out of my nature.

Maybe it's knowing a physical confrontation (self-defense) would be inherently in my favor at work or class but when words are the only option, I feel powerless. It's fear of seeming a child talking to an adult. Why? I don't have that answer. I tend to do well with words - even to the point that public speaking is enjoyable.

Perhaps this all comes down to it being a situation beyond my control. My response was inside this personal sphere of influence but correcting the disrespectful talk was not. Somehow knowing this doesn't make things better.

One thing's for sure: the mask has to come off. My prayers are that the wimp in Hapkido goes away. A man should be strong & willing to confront hostilities & disrespect alike.


Bob said...

Would it help to put your thoughts down in writing, and give the note to the person? That way you could say exactly what you want to say, without it being distorted before you even have a chance to finish what you want to say.

I think that is what I am going to do with a person who seems to have lots of hostility toward me, and I do not have a clue what I did to piss him off. At least that way you know you have communicated in good faith, and if it is not accepted in good faith, then at least you know you made a sincere effort. Unfortunately, we can't win them all.

Hapkido said...

Bob: I'm not sure it would. It's hard to explain...I'm not afraid of speaking my mind & all that comes to mind is not wanting to disrespect my instructor by calling out his student.

Some folks just don't get along with others. There were 2 guys in my boot camp company who were just jerks to everyone. EVERYONE! There was no reason, no sense to it. They were just jerks...and as such, they didn't matter to anyone in the company.

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