They Can Smell Fear

Former French president Jacques Chirac was attacked by his "clinically depressed" poodle, Sumo, on January 22nd. This just goes to show that even pansy dogs have nothing to fear from even more pansy French leaders. In fact, these notoriously foofy little pooches may be able to smell the sweet, tasty fear of their owners, thus driving them to clinical depression and, ultimately, an attack worthy of a stitch or two.

Now, I reasoned there had to be more to this whole deal...Seriously, think about how much you'd have to prod a poodle into attacking anyone, much less it's owner. OK, I'll grant you there have to be a few out there with the nasty, pretentious attitude of a chihuahua but the odds of the single biggest wimp in the EU buying one of them is statistically beyond rare.

With that in mind, I demanded that politely suggested that begged that Mr. Engrish hop a plane to gay Paris & get the scoop. He returned with the most astounding tape that revealed the happenings of that fateful day...

*Sounds of muddled arguing*
Jaques Chirac: Mmmmm. J'aime creme brulee...

Sumo the dog: Ahf! Ahf! (French for "Arf! Arf!")

JC: No, Sumo, mon ami! Zees ees mah creme brulee!

Sumo: Grrrrr!

JC: Sumo! Mon dieu! Mah creme brulee! Noooooooo!

Sumo: *nom, nom, nom, nom*

*Tape ends in static...sounds of unknown man quoting Mr. Bean*

Thanks to Ronny's daunting bravery, we've in fact discovered that Sumo, in a clinically depressed state, merely wanted some creme brulee (as any good frenchy would). It seems the only part of Jacqes that was mauled was his pride...