A Matter of Extremes

I've been suffering an internal battle, lately...and not the kind that can be resolved with some fiber or pepto bismol, unfortunately.

The conflict is with, well, conflict. I'm not given to confrontation. It's not fear that has me shy away - after all, if defending myself would ever be a problem, all these martial arts have been a waste of time.

As an example, there's a guy a work, we'll call him Buzzkill, who MUST have his hands in everything: conversation, questions, issues, etc. And it's, frankly, very annoying. He not only puts himself in the middle of everything, he has backhanded comments & insults aplenty for everyone there who is obviously incompetent compared to him. Not to mention his CONSTANT complaining...

Now, I've spoken to my boss about this because talking to this looney toon is beyond pointless. However, the real issue is that it's becoming all about him. The office centers around this emotional terrorist & there's a palpable sense of gloom when he walks in at night. If I'm going to continue working there, this must stop.

Now, the conflict issue: I'm given to extremes in these cases. I've never been able to do anything but give up some ground or blast through in full-blown confrontation. A middle ground, where I don't wind up getting reprimanded by my boss but still let asshat buzzkill know his commentary needs to get lost, would be ideal.

I'm just not very good at the middle ground.

Honestly, I just want to tell him to STFU, stay out of my way & when I need his help, I will ask directly for it. (OK, I really want to go upside his head...which is one of those extremes) The problem is that I want him to get confrontational. I want him to get in my face & ask to take it outside. I'd love nothing more than to translate his emotional torture on us into a physical manifestation of my frustration.

That is plain wrong & to be a decent human being, it must be avoided.

How, then, do I confront this in a dignified manner, even if the antagonist is anything but dignified?

Moral Question

I was at the barn, with Miss Hammy, a few days ago & one of the cats had caught a small (chickadee, I think) bird. The feline was in the "playing" stage of the kill & hadn't yet caused any lasting damage.

When the kitty set the bird down in preparation for the festivities, I stepped in, shooed the cat away & picked up the bird (with a glove - wild birds can have parasites). We brought her over to a tree a ways off & she hopped up to a branch & flew away.

The question: Do you save the bird or let nature take its course?

Deep Thoughts: Green Electric Cars

For those days when there is nothing better to do than to ponder through musings of a twisted mind.

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Dumb question.

Did anyone stop to think of where we are going to dispose of all the batteries from these Electric Cars? Last I checked they were an environmental hazzard. Some one correct me if I am wrong. The gas powered vehicles are recycleable to the relatively small battery. These Hybrid cars rely more on their batteries than the gas cars. One would expect that in this Green World; batteries would be in higher demand and replaced more often requireing NON-ENVIONMENTAL FRIENDY waste.

Also Carbon Dioxide was something that was reversable. I don't know of anything that reverses Battery Acid into something useable.

I don't know.... the whole thing seems stupid to me. Weaker less effecient cars that do more harm than good replacing better but albeit stinkier cars.

Republic or Democracy

Courtesy of Walter E. Williams...the answer can be found HERE!

For Heaven's sake, if we don't oppose what's been laid before us over the past 20 years, we deserve the oligarchical fate that awaits us.

"...for if in so doing we lose this precious freedom of ours, history will record with the greatest astonishment that those who stood to lose the most did the least to prevent its happening." - Ronald W. Reagan

Dangerous, Working On Armed

I'm thinking about purchasing a handgun. Never mind my reasons (though they're constructive), we have the 2nd Amendment & I'm not a felon, so it's my right!

Now, I've fired a .357 when I was younger (Ouch!) but otherwise there's no handgun experience I can claim. Being an average-sized guy, my decision is that a .40 would be the best fit for me: not too big like a .45 or .50 hand cannon but more power than offered in a 9mm.

I do have some experience with weapons. Let's see, I have a 20ga. Franchi, 12ga. Franchi, compound bow, training knives, a tactical folding knife, training handgun, bokken (wooden sword), joong bong (medium-length sticks) & dan bong (short sticks)...

I'll admit I suck with the sword.

Still, I'm looking for an informed opinion on good handguns in .40 caliber to purchase. Most of the magazines out there are full of self-congratulatory pieces on pieces. What is needed is honest input for such a big purchase. Cost is somewhat an issue but I have wiggle room.

What handgun would you recommend?

Masks

The events this evening make me wonder if, in a way, many of us are living behind masks. This isn't to say I was dumbstruck when that person insulted me - I had a few things to fire back...but I didn't. Rhetorically, is that right? Is it wrong?

The difference I've noticed is my willingness to confront MORE at work and less outside of it. Why? I just don't know. If that had been a HKD student smarting off to me? Well, it could have been a whole different story, but there's no way to be sure. Conversely, co-workers have confronted me & it's straight talk to the end. One even threatened me & I told him he had five minutes to cool down (which he did, thankfully). Night & day...

Which is the mask & which is real? Why am I so willing to confront at work - where I feel more detached & less confident - than in Hapkido - where I'm a black belt, confident & sure of my capabilities? Who is the real person behind it all? To me, it feels weak to avoid that confrontation in class & yet the conflict seems out of my nature.

Maybe it's knowing a physical confrontation (self-defense) would be inherently in my favor at work or class but when words are the only option, I feel powerless. It's fear of seeming a child talking to an adult. Why? I don't have that answer. I tend to do well with words - even to the point that public speaking is enjoyable.

Perhaps this all comes down to it being a situation beyond my control. My response was inside this personal sphere of influence but correcting the disrespectful talk was not. Somehow knowing this doesn't make things better.

One thing's for sure: the mask has to come off. My prayers are that the wimp in Hapkido goes away. A man should be strong & willing to confront hostilities & disrespect alike.

ARGGGGHHHH!

I H-A-T-E being trapped inside all day, every day.

No driving for 6 months (12 in SC) = no social life.

I didn't know what stir-crazy was until now.

Truly, this is a terrible feeling. I can't even get a ride to class.


I do have this Haiku, I guess.

My head examined/
Law says no driving for me/
Alone, here I sit

Didn't Sign Up For This!

So, my brother calls me yesterday saying his car broke down (bad starter, maybe?) & after a few attempts, still nothing doing with the cranking & starting thing.

He had a friend come out to help him (quick reminder: I can't drive - seizure) & give him a ride home.

Obviously, this can't work as a permanent arrangement since I need a ride to work & he needs to get to work... So, the smart thing, in my mind, is to have him drive my car which needs the registration renewed since I missed that window with all the issues in SC.

Now, my car is a stick which he can't drive. So, I offer to teach him. What does he say? Oh, he can't possibly learn in one day (despite doing well the 1st time we worked on it), so there's no sense in doing all this today.

It's all very frustrating. Sure, I get out - for work & class - but depending on everyone for a ride AND trying to help kill 2 birds with 1 stone (car & ride) with no interest from the other party is just pissing me off. I sure as heck don't like this inconvenience, either. I'd much rather do my own driving, handle my own issues & not have to inconvenience others for assistance. There's just not that much choice on this end of things.

As an aside, comments I've left on some blogs must be reflecting this frustration or a change in attitude. A comment left on Harvey's blog inspired 3 respondents to let me know just how wrong I was & an inside joke on a friend's facebook page (perfectly appropriate) drew the ire of his girlfriend...with an obligatory literal jab back at her, of course.

I'm wondering how much my personality has changed in the eyes of others. Have I become more combative? Less tactful? Has my general word choice changed? It's impossible to tell from a self-perspective.

Lucky Me

I wish I could say all was well. OK, yes, the tumor is gone & I'm essentially in good health, so there's nothing bad there.

I just got the 1st bill for my initial stay in the hospital - from 9/10 - 9/12. That's when I had the seizure & they kept me in for pre-op. $948 & change ($500 is the deductible).

This, despite the fact I already paid the hospital a $500 deductible AND $300 more that went towards my PPO's maximum $1000/yr out-of-pocket.

Someone please tell me why I might pay over $2000 in one year when my insurance is supposed to limit my expense to $1000 (not counting deductible, of course)?

Never mind the fact I'm crushed at having to leave SC after two months (not all of which was fun & games) & have t come back to Iowa. The thing that has my guts wrenched in a knot is the fact I wanted to save up & move back down there when I can drive again but now the money may just not be there.

I'm in freaking tears over this. It feels so much like I'm trapped in a prison & can't get released. Being dependent on others sucks because I feel like a walking inconvenience. The thought that, after all this horrible stuff my family was put through, I may come up short on the needed funds to move down there & be with them is just too much.

God, please give me the patience, courage & just plain luck to somehow get through this so I can be where my family is.

Tired

I don't know if it was just the rough day at work or everything else going on but I am freaking worn out on life right now.

Oh, I've had a few good days in a row (none bad, to be honest) & I even thought I had run into an old friend from high school (false alarm, as it turns out) but man, something has left me feeling drained...

Are You Freaking Serious?

Just saw this on Michelle Malkin's site. We're sending $1.1 Billion (with a "B") to Mexico for their effing border security? Hello! How about that huge, gaping hole we have called a border in Texas, New Mexico, Arizona & California? Any one of you clowns in Congress want to think about plugging that sucker up, first?

It's the simplest of rules, people. Even the airlines follow it with oxygen masks: Take care of your emergency situation before you try to bail others out...if for no other reason than you can't help if you're unconscious.

Oh, and in this case, the "person" you're helping with that mask happens to be a habitual drug-dealing, gun-running coyote with a strangulation fetish.

Hey, instead of moving troops down to the border (as we should), why not move all the homes of Congress down there? I'll bet that boundary would be sealed tighter than Ebenezer Scrooge's coin purse in under a month.

My Advice

Lady, I'm sure you were in a hurry when you changed lanes suddenly. I'm even sure that in the shock of seeing my vehicle stop suddenly to avoid becoming part of your driver's seat prevented you from feeling that very slight impact where you rubbed against my bumper (be thankful I reacted quickly, or someone may have been hurt).

However, simply giving me an "Oh my gosh!" face & driving off doesn't cut it. The damage was negligible & I was incredibly decent to you & your father when I finally contacted you (after having to call the police to get your info).

My advice to you is make sure you stop in the unfortunate instance this happens again. The next person might not be so courteous as I was.

15 Minutes

An interesting story unfolded yesterday...

I left for lunch at about noon, stopped at Wendy's & ordered a grilled chicken sandwich, a chili & an iced tea (unsweetened for those in the South). I drove back to the work parking lot - not eating, of course - and parked to listen to the radio while I ate.

After I finished, I checked the time & happily discovered there were 30 minutes left on my lunch break.

Well, now, we can't waste that 30 minutes sitting around, can we? Of course not! I decided a walk was in order & promptly turned off my car, locked it and started my walk around the campus at work.

We have a decent place to walk there. It's about 1/5 mile or so around & a well-paved path. Needless to say, the decent temperatures, sunny skies and spare time conspired to make me get off my duff & burn a few calories.

...

...

Fifteen minutes later, after buying a new shirt for work & putting it on, I walked back into the office to finish my day.

Any guesses as to what happened?

***Update***
Matt guessed in correctly, folks!

I started my walk & a crow, sharpshooter & poop overkill of the avian community, decided my spring blue polo was a little too clean for his liking. After literally squeezing (sorry) off a round, the little stinker went about his business.

The main grouping hit my shoulder & splatter went in my hair, on my ear & neck. Undaunted, I resolved to finish my walk, albeit a bit disgusted at the humorous crap that had befallen me.

I went to the restroom to wash up (lots of soap) & did a pretty good job at cleaning the mess. Unfortunately, I couldn't make myself go back to work in a shirt that didn't rightfully deserve to have the "r" in it's name...

After a quick trip to Theissen's, $15 out of my pocket & some curious co-workers, I went back to work.

I had the greatest time telling anyone who had a bad day, "Oh yeah? Well, at least you weren't sh*t on, literally!"

:-P

PC Police

They're at it again...

Apparently, it's a great idea to change tradition - heck, that stuff is only for anachronistic kooks, right? - and have the West Point Alma Mater re-worded to become gender neutral in the interest of being politically correct.

Now, of course women should be allowed to serve in the military & many have done so with distinction & honor. There's no question their service counts every bit as much as a man's. I count anyone brave enough to serve & sacrifice as equal to any other who serves. Gender simply isn't a factor.

I have a problem with changing traditions to suit the times. After all, we wouldn't change the Declaration of Independence to "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all people are created equal...", would we? Do we go back & say that the Founders were wrong? Is there a reason, other than a "feel good" measure , to change an Alma Mater?

The answer is "No". Traditions provide more than a reminder of our history - they're a bond from class to class, generation to generation. They demonstrate to all included and observing them exactly what the point of tradition (and an Alma Mater) is: being part of a Family. That ought to be worth maintaining. It's most definitely above the politics of the PC.

John McCain(D)

OK, Senator, it's time to fess up & admit you're a member of the jackass donkey party. Let's be honest: if you had any concern based on a "moral compass" or actual consistency in your principles, you wouldn't be out there touting every hot-button issue the mass-media deems important. It's like you're the fat kid in school scrambling to the call of "Free Ice Cream!" in the cafeteria.

Seriously, claiming you're any sort of "straight-talker" or conservative is a load of bull worthy of Paul Bunyan. You've demonstrated no willingness to cross party lines - you're consistently working with the democrats to the point I'm convinced you ARE a democrat. Heck, even Arlen Specter went our way once in awhile.

That's why your "free-market solution" to the Spanish Inquisition global warming wasn't such a big surprise to me. I fully agree that the free market is a great thing & allows us to determine success based on survival-of-the-fittest. This does not, however, include delusional politicians (*cough* Al Gore) who seek to profit from claiming an environmental crisis just to turn a profit.


Of course, just as Mr. Gore wasn't so magnanimous to include himself in reducing his "carbon footprint", there's no reason to think you'll be so kind as to maintaining some line of consistency in your views. The fact you're buying into this silly concept demonstrates how far out of step you are with conservative principles. Keep in mind that government subsidies of ethanol blended fuel uses food to essentially make gasoline. Thanks to representatives like you, we're paying for ethanol in our taxes (uh, that would be the "subsidy" part), seeing less efficiency in a tank of gas (about 15 to 20% less per gallon) & STILL not seeing any benefit with regards to the cost of a gallon.

Sir, I respectfully request you drop the mantle of republican & assume the one of the ass that you're making of yourself.

Welcome

To my new blogson, Ronny Engrish!

Ronny came into the world yesterday evening after creating his gmail. To demonstrate exactly what kind of blogger he'll be, Ronny went to work even before he was born into the blogosphere!

I think you'll enjoy his posting as a whole - except, of course, for the traditional first sucky post which promises to be such a horrid, raging pile of fetid compost that you'll all have tears in your eyes.

Stand by for Ronny Engrish, and pray there aren't any more of him out there!

(Mrs. Who: play nice!)

A Problem

This is a new one by me. Even after over five years in martial arts I've never encountered the problem I'm about to relate. It has a few facets, so please bear with me.

We have a student in HKD who is, to put it mildly, well-aged. He apparently has a great amount of zeal when it comes to applying these techniques even though, due to his fragile nature, we cannot apply the same techniques to him.

Now, before you start thinking I'm "eye for an eye" about martial arts - that anyone who applies a technique must feel the same application - rest assured that's not the case. I do believe, however, that anyone who wants to undertake a class in joint manipulation should be able to have his or her joints manipulated to a reasonable degree. For example, if you had advanced arthritis, then this probably isn't the class for you.

Well, that's the case with this student. He's made it to orange belt (level 3) largely because the techniques aren't overly damaging. However, he's also managed to do so without having any techniques really applied to him. This presents another problem entirely: he cannot develop the control that a regular student would because he does not know how it feels to be tweaked in a particular way. While this may serve him well in a self-defense situation (I have my doubts), it will not help other students avoid injury. I fear the day we pair him with a white belt and the new student gets injured.

Secondly, he is a former 2nd degree black belt in TKD (the same rank I currently hold). Apparently, this inactive rank gives him the impression he has more experience/authority than he actually does. Rank doesn't carry over. Period. For example, if I were to wear my black belt into a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class & pretend that was my rank in that art...well, let's say the butt whipping I took wouldn't be soon forgotten.

The first rank problem with this student is that he tries to advise people far senior to him in HKD on how to perform a technique. The most memorable of which was chastising - there's no other word for it - two 2nd degree black belts on how one wasn't defending himself properly. For the record, he was. It was dealt with & we've made a point to impress on this guy that it won't be tolerated. Sadly though, his ignorance in techniques seems to make him feel he knows more than he does. He advises other color belts on how to execute techniques. Heck, I'm 1st degree & I don't say anything unless there's an obvious problem. This guy has no place doing such things.

The second rank problem exists in TKD. As I said before, he formerly held the rank of 2nd degree in this art. This has not been recognized by my instructor - and while he may have held it he isn't active, so it counts for nothing. One of our assistant instructors informed me in a phone conversation yesterday that he actually tried to instruct/advise students in TKD. Since he knows nothing about our instructors teaching style and we had a very capable instructor in Mr. Lee that day, a number of lines were crossed. Mr. Lee told him to take a seat, but I fear the problem isn't addressed.

My instructor is on vacation for the next three weeks and my problem is how to deal with this student without overstepping my bounds. I am senior while Master Rion is gone & will address issues in his absence. I'm of the mind that the next transgression of instructor authority will put this guy out on the street. However, I think that might be disrespectful to our instructor and the school in general.

What to do?

Hapkido Angry

Hap BREAK, Hap SMASH!!!

Class was canceled AGAIN today for weather.

I swear, I am so darn angry that I said, "Screw it!" (no, not out loud) & called work to take a vacation day just so I can get to class on Wednesday.

Well, I can't take that day because we have 2 positions open in a department of 8 people & they can't afford to have me off on such short notice. Angry doesn't quite cover it. I was just starting to feel a little better (thanks _Jon & Mrs. Who!) after my last post & have since gone from in-the-dumps to in-the-red.

To top it off, there's a cute lady I met there last week & it would have been nice to talk to her again - maybe see if there's any chances, etc, assuming she's not married, of course - in addition to going to class. The first damn ray of hope I've had in over a year & it's foiled by a collection of small, crystalline objects that apparently love this *bleeping* state so much, I'm requesting they change the welcome sign from "Welcome to Iowa - Is This Heaven?" to the more appropriate:

"Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter.
Snows 'til May, Starts In November"

It's gone beyond frusrating since I only have the 2 days a week to go to class & something completely uncontrollable is keeping me away from it. When I try to take control, that's not an option, either. I swear, I would freaking vote Democrat if it would mean global warming came true & promised there would be no more of this incessant, annoying, disruptive falling of cold, white crap.

My other form of taking charge - joining a gym - is still in the "paperwork" phase that apparently involves a background check to a similar degree the military performed when I joined as an intelligence analyst - minus the "turn & cough" section. Sure, I get to work when it's done but in the meantime, ironically, all I want to do is use my skills to turn live terrorists into dead terrorists so as to aleve my frustrations at not being able to get exercise.

Yes, I'm trying to use humor to get through this bad phase. It's just so darn difficult. I suppose this is just stacked on top of wanting to move to SC but also wanting stay (just for the friends in HKD/TKD) because we have a great group of people here. If I move, I have to start from scratch.

By that, I mean starting my own school, getting my own students, insurance, facility, etc, etc, etc. I'll be 2nd degree - at best - when that happens & while 2nd degrees in HKD are about as easy to find as liberals with a conscience, it doesn't make me feel any more qualified to run out there & start my own school - even with my instructor's support (which he has generously offered).

Oh well, I've ranted long enough. Maybe this helps a bit but I certainly still feel trapped in a situation & there's nothing I can think of to do about it.

Reverse Gear

I feel so backed against a wall right now.

Just got the rent renewal for my apartment - it's $120 more a month. Oh, but they'll give us $200 off the 1st month if we hurry & sign. Yeah, really. They're not giving us anything, just taking a little less.

Work is just stressful right now. It seems I bust my butt, accomplish what's set before me & then, somehow, one mistake - something inane & trivial - becomes the focus of my boss. He's a great boss but it makes me feel like an idiot. I'd understand if it was a world buster but we're talking a whoops-let-me-fix-that-real-quick kind of error.

I can't even seem to get into class. I bought my gear for Arnis yesterday morning just to realize I forgot my license & couldn't drive home & make class ontime. I really needed that stress reliever yesterday.

Of course, to add to it all, I pinched a nerve on the left side of my body & the resulting loss of strength (& a little numbness) is pissing me off to no end. It's reminding me that I can't do the stuff I love while it's there.

I just want to quit my job, move to SC & be done with this crap. This place isn't doing me any favors, I'm feeling trapped & I can't seem to catch the break I so desperately need. I don't want to pay more for my same apartment, I'm sick of one trivial mistake being a cause for concern & I cannot handle that my real support mechanism - something I love so much - seems to be slowly seeping away from my life.

I feel sick!

So Close...

And yet so, so far.

I got a call from a company in South Carolina interested in doing an interview. I'm thinking, "at least it's a step in the right direction". Here, I have an opportunity to get down there (FINALLY) & be rid of this horrible, horrible winter weather.

Until they found out how much I made.

Yeah, not much of a response from those guys on that. Sure, I'm not pulling down 6-figures but I make OK money. I guess it's just a little to "OK" for their tastes.

It's not that I want to move in the middle of winter, necessarily, but I really was hoping this would be my chance to get out of here & back to where my family, decent people & humane weather all exist in one place. In the meantime, I guess I'll have to settle for one out of three (thanks to the TKD/HKD guys for being that "one").

Here's me for the next few months (click to view):