Maybe.
I went to a friend's birthday party last night. He's a buddy from TKD - mostly we try to knock each other's heads off - that's a really decent person. He introduced me to a co-worker of his who's kind of cute, a tri-athlete & seems a bit introverted. Basically, she takes care of herself, is on the athletic side & isn't to assertive - pretty much my "type".
I may ask him to get me her number.
I'm a bit slow to pull the trigger since, frankly, I'm on the fragile side right now. I can't afford to have a bad date since my last forays into the dating world just went lousy, IMO. I'd say I'm a bit too much on the "traditional" side of dating. You know: Holding doors, chairs, decent manners, etc. It's apparently weird for some of the women I've dated. OK, the last one was a bit on the loopy side - scary, really - & the one before that scrutinized me like I was a conservative at the NYT (Lady, it was a FIRST date! It's about getting to know someone, not critiquing his/her life).
OK, to be up front, I haven't dated in about 3 years. For those of you who don't think it's that bad (& in some ways it isn't) look at how long it took you to graduate high school, serve one tour in the military or graduate college - weep for me...
I'm generally a sociable, confident person. You put me in front of a large group & I'll tell them what I think without hesitation. I don't fear the "normal" things: public speaking, death (not mine, anyway) or even heights. The latter, I had to conquer on my own & I'm proud of that. Rejection, however, is something that hits me square in the gut. The thought of it saps my will to even try dating again (& darn it I'm a frakkin' GOOD first date!)
I'm not even sure what this post is about. Here I am: A generally moral, somewhat athletic, average to above average-looking (with a full head of hair!) guy who does his best to give something back to the community, live an honest life & put people in his life ahead of himself. Yet, I always stop myself from going ahead of asking anyone out. I could blame it on lousy timing, bad experiences in high school/college, droughts in dating, etc. But I'm not the person to pass blame.
The responsibility rests with me but I can't figure out how to change it. The above is just a sample of the internal debate every time I meet someone - which, as you can imagine, sucks any of the thrill out of it. I actually pray that I won't meet someone so I don't have to feel this way anymore.
HELP!!!
13 comments:
Yeah, you always gotta bring up the full head of hair thing, don't you?
I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure you spelled out the problem yourself. Right now where you stand, you are the "finished product". Women don't want the "finished product", they want to be able to say, "see how well I trained him".
By now you're probably thinking, "But Matt, what can I do to change this?" Don't change, just hide. It's the little things that count. Like if you take some chick to a steakhouse and she orders a salad ask her what the F*@K she's thinking and change her order to a 25 oz Porterhouse.
I shudder to say so, but Matt may be onto something.
I read somewhere that a woman will marry an "okay" man figuring the man will change.
A man will marry a "perfect" woman figuring the woman will never change.
They're both wrong.
(BTW, yeah, what dufus orders salad at a steakhouse?)
Okay, and now for a serious thought:
Is there any way you can "date" without dating?
Like the young teens do?
Go on a group date.
Pile a bunch of people around the dinner table (at a steakhouse!), or mob a movie theater?
Less pressure.
Less individual scrutiny.
Fewer unconfortable silences.
Other than that, I got nothing.
I lived with a tri geek for a year and it was aweful. His bike cost more than my car and it had to live in our livingroom for some reason. Hmm, I may have to blog about that sometime.
My advise(other than running away screaming)would be: Keep all your good qualities hidden and only reveal them slowly so as to 1)avoid being hurt and 2)to keep her interested. A lot of girls are afraid of the nice guys because we aren't used to it. Just take her out for a run on a running track so you can watch her ass! Um that's what I did with my triasslete! Then, pull your jaw off the ground and go meet someone who will argue politics with you and who can kick your ass when she doesn't agree with you. Hiya!
Matt,
Well, at least one of us has it! :-)
Dang! You're pretty smart. I'm not kidding! It's good advice, though I have to say I am completely not nervous on a first (or any) date. I figure if she's there, that's a plus.
My problem is actually getting the date, which, as you well know, is a real PITA for me. I H-A-T-E, hate, hate being set up but that's the only way I ever get one. I cannot muster up the courage to ask a lady out (Roses, this would explain the "perfect woman" in Chicago problem).
Roses,
Meet Matt, my younger sibling (by 3 years). He's got maturity, integrity & a full head of hair...or at least two of those three! :-)
I don't need the perfect woman - though I am fairly accused of being picky. I do need someone I can get to know before asking out. Let's face it: martial arts - not the best venue. Sure, the whole grocery store (including ones with drunks that get cool bloggers a good job) idea might come to mind but Iowa is *not* a friendly state for meeting people. At least on my native east coast you can talk to people.
I suppose that will necessitate a change of location - which is my priority right now - because I mix with Iowans like a pit bull at an Atlanta Falcons game.
Yeah, definitely would call someone out on the salad!
Roses,
Dating without dating. Yeah, tried that once. OMGosh it was awful. Honestly, I could tell the lady wasn't interested in me from the start - I may be dense when it comes to knowing if a woman's attracted to me but I definitely know when she's not!
It was one of the worst get-me-outta-here experiences of my life.
Pressure isn't my problem. I thrive in those situations. I had a doubles with a co-worker, his wife & his wife's sister. I had a decent time but didn't get that "vibe". His wife gave me an "A+" & said I was the best first date she's ever seen. Great, except impressing my friend's wife wasn't exactly the "battle plan". OK, I thought that was funny but the sister-in-law seemed underwhelmed by me. She asked Jon to give me her # & we went out again. Yeah, same flop. Never called her back.
Uncomfortable silences? Roses, you honestly can't think that would be a problem with me! :-)
CJenny,
I'd like to hear the tri-geek trike story!
Well, that is solid advice. I don't have so many problems with the first date - I'm good at that. My problems are in getting said first date!
Ah, you've found my dark, dark secret. "Nice guy". Yeah, guilty. You see, there's more stock in the rebel-type than the nice guy. Yes, it's true even when the nice guy (me) can turn the rebel inside-out & make him cry for momma!
I found the lady you're talking about: She's a 4th degree in TKD/HKD (same styles I know), a school teacher, seems a touch on the shy side, pretty, etc, etc. I've never said more than two words to her but our eyes met a number of times & I never forgot that feeling I had. Nothing else like it.
::Wonders if Harvey is reading this::
No, not *those* kinds of feelings!
The type of woman you seem to be looking for is going to wait for you to ask her out. She likes tradition. She is going to wait for you to make the first move. Don't be afraid. It's not rejection if it doesn't turn into a second date. In fact the way to get a second date or first for that matter is 1) find someone who seems to have the same interest and then 2) invite her to something related to that. Form a friendship. Don't go into it as an interview for a relationship.
If that doesn't work then try to caveman approach. Just grab her by her hair and take her to dinner kicking and screaming.
I never got the whole pick em up at the grocery store thing. Do you approach them by what they have in there shopping cart? And if you do, is it better to go for the one with the whipped cream and chocolate syrup or the one with the fruits and vegatables?
Sticks,
Oh so true...which is also why I'm fated to remain perpetually single. Based on previous experiences, I just do not have the guts anymore. :-(
Probably compounding the issue is I have zero friends around my age. The guys in HKD are mostly married men in their 50s. Most of my other friends are in their mid-20s. While I do look about their age (thanks for the youthful looks, Mom!), I most definitely do not act their age.
Again, I'm not so worried about the first-to-second-date "problem": I've always been good at a first date. I just have a real problem getting to the first date.
Nice guy syndrome is something of an issue here. That's not what women want & even if a woman did, I would have NO clue how to tell she had any interest - which is about the only way I could ever work up the marbles...
ARGGHHHHH!!!
Matt,
Yeah, that always seemed silly to me. I've seen people try the "have we met before" line & I had to stop myself from laughing!
As a general rule, I avoid the fruits! :-P
The tri-athlete actually said that to me ("met before?") when we were introduced & only God knows why I did not say what came to mind: "Isn't that supposed to be my line?"
Maybe things would have been rolling from there.
Yeah, I'm reading this :-P
Anyway, my worthless advice is to start surfing the blogrolls of the women you already read.
Swapping blog comments is a great icebreaker.
Or Google "Iowa woman blog".
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