8/29/07

The Greater Good

Presidential candidate John Edwards says Americans should give up their SUVs in the name of greater fuel efficiency.

Obviously, it's for the greater good & not our choice anymore, comrades! Heck, individualism is an anathema to promoting the common good & everyone should be willing to sacrifice their hard-earned dollars to higher taxes the betterment of society instead of spending it on themselves.

Here's some other ways we can sacrifice in the name of John "Breck Girl" Edwards:

* Hairspray: Hand them over. Not for CFCs but so Edwards' hair always has that smooth sheen to it.

* Manhood: If elected POTUS by law no one can be more manly than him. Ronald Reagan set this precedent - which was a great idea at the time of a bad mofo Commander In Chief. With an Edwards presidency we can expect Lifetime to replace Spike as TV for men. Kleenex will then be for crying only...

* Inter-dimensional Travel: Edwards constantly talks about "Two Americas" - both in this campaign & the last. This has convinced me that he has declared war on this America & seeks for the other "America" to win. If you need proof, see the SUV article. While Edwards has not explicitly called this a dimensional rift, I'm willing to bet these evil duplicates of us real Americans all have goatees.

* Reputation: America is known as the premier nation throughout the world. Our military is feared, our people free & no matter what anyone says about us, when the USS George Washington (plug for my old ship) rolls into town, it's like E.F. Hutton, whoop-a$$ style. With an Edwards presidency, kiss that goodbye. As a matter of fact, we'll be reduced to kissing, rather than kicking, our enemies butts. We'll be the butt of every joke because no country will be afraid of a POTUS who has all the clout of the Snuggle bear.

* Choices: First, it's your SUV, then it's cigarettes. Soon, we'll all be a bunch of no salt-having pansies like Rob Schneider in Demolition Man. If that's the kind of future you want, then you're on your own. Better yet, let me in on that & I'll be running that utopia in five minutes after I single-handedly disarm your "troops" with a few choice words about their mothers. I say leave choices out there for everyone, let them pay for their own medical care if they smoke, eat fast food for every meal or ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Leave the choice up to them & you'll notice the gene pool gets a lot cleaner. Fast.

4 comments:

Mrs. Who said...

Dear God, NO! I LOVE Spike TV. I despise Lifetime. Lifetime is the "Man Fault's Channel"

chlorinejenny said...

I did your bloody political test, Hap! For god sakes, man, it was 6 pages long. Only for you. Because you think I copied you.

Economic Left/Right: -4.75
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -6.51

I didn't stick around to read what this all means. I'm going camping again today. Blech.

HapKiDo said...

mrs. who,
well, so do i...but we're going to kiss it goodbye if john edwards is elected! NOOOOOOOOO!!!

HapKiDo said...

CJenny,
I appreciate it! We're pretty much opposites on the political scale. I'm not surprised, I guess, but the opportunities for blog-related humor are boundless in these cases!

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