The Greater Good

Presidential candidate John Edwards says Americans should give up their SUVs in the name of greater fuel efficiency.

Obviously, it's for the greater good & not our choice anymore, comrades! Heck, individualism is an anathema to promoting the common good & everyone should be willing to sacrifice their hard-earned dollars to higher taxes the betterment of society instead of spending it on themselves.

Here's some other ways we can sacrifice in the name of John "Breck Girl" Edwards:

* Hairspray: Hand them over. Not for CFCs but so Edwards' hair always has that smooth sheen to it.

* Manhood: If elected POTUS by law no one can be more manly than him. Ronald Reagan set this precedent - which was a great idea at the time of a bad mofo Commander In Chief. With an Edwards presidency we can expect Lifetime to replace Spike as TV for men. Kleenex will then be for crying only...

* Inter-dimensional Travel: Edwards constantly talks about "Two Americas" - both in this campaign & the last. This has convinced me that he has declared war on this America & seeks for the other "America" to win. If you need proof, see the SUV article. While Edwards has not explicitly called this a dimensional rift, I'm willing to bet these evil duplicates of us real Americans all have goatees.

* Reputation: America is known as the premier nation throughout the world. Our military is feared, our people free & no matter what anyone says about us, when the USS George Washington (plug for my old ship) rolls into town, it's like E.F. Hutton, whoop-a$$ style. With an Edwards presidency, kiss that goodbye. As a matter of fact, we'll be reduced to kissing, rather than kicking, our enemies butts. We'll be the butt of every joke because no country will be afraid of a POTUS who has all the clout of the Snuggle bear.

* Choices: First, it's your SUV, then it's cigarettes. Soon, we'll all be a bunch of no salt-having pansies like Rob Schneider in Demolition Man. If that's the kind of future you want, then you're on your own. Better yet, let me in on that & I'll be running that utopia in five minutes after I single-handedly disarm your "troops" with a few choice words about their mothers. I say leave choices out there for everyone, let them pay for their own medical care if they smoke, eat fast food for every meal or ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Leave the choice up to them & you'll notice the gene pool gets a lot cleaner. Fast.