The Coffee Cup Conspiracy

As promised the little known "Great Coffee Cup Conspiracy."

Not too long ago a think tank made up of coffee experts mainly consumers with not much else to think about but more than Liberals and Progressives ususally do in a lifetime, were sitting and enjoying their daily cup of joe when one of the cups was turned horizontal unintentionally thus spilling the contents upon themself. It was this instant when the deep realization of the gravity of the Great Coffee Cup Conspiracy.

The Spiller, we'll call him Bill, not because it rhymes with spill, but because Bill is his real name. Anyway Bill, slightly agitated that he not only lost his morning beverage and would have to go back to get another because who would want to live through a morning with out that addiction fix.? He left mumbling at how much the cup of coffee was actually costing him when he included his wardrobe costs. I think it was all of $30. When he arrived at the coffee pot he discovered that someone had taken the last of the pot and did not make any more. Is there anything more infuriating? So he proceeded to brew another pot. I and the others joined him in the break room because I was out already and Chris's coffee was cold. I mentioned to Bill that this was a huge waste of money. We all agreed and we came up with the following points for the Great Coffee Conspiracy.
  1. The beverage of and by itself is hugely addictive. You just cannot go by too long without a fix. It has to be more addictive than non-conventional narcotics.
  2. It is brewed too hot to drink so one has to wait before taking the first sips. This adds to the enticement and makes it that much more irresistable.
  3. If spilled .... it stains like none other. We are thinking that the textile manufacturers and clothing manufacturers had something to do with the incompatibility with these two addictions. The need for coffee and the need for clothes. We accepted that the second addiction was not exactly an addiction but more of a social decency. Especially in some cases.
  4. Look at the cup. The very design of the cup lends it self to more consumption of an already irresistable addiction. It is bigger on top and open. Heat rises and the cooling surface of the cup creates a temperature reduction cycle that the very design of the cup accelerates. What happens when the coffee gets cold? As Chris did: he dumped it out and got another cup.
  5. The design of the cup is also top heavy, and as Bill experienced, has a very major tendency to turn 90 degrees. No one ever saw a coffee cup right itself. No no that would be counter productive to the selling of more coffee (and clothes).
  6. If coffee is left for too long (which seems like not very long) on a warmer then it burns and it needs to be thrown out and another pot created.
  7. Drinking coffee has become a traditional begining and ending to the day. It is the first bevarage of the morning to wake up and is offered by eating establishments (they are a big part of the conspiracy) for an "after dinner drink."
  8. It is rather inexpensive and readilly available. Often free. Hmmm $1.25 for a Pepsi or a Free coffee? Well twist my conservative arm.

Coffee is one of those things that is pushed on us as a society and we get hooked and are now dependant to the mercy of the growers of the bean. What would happen if Columbia decided to quit exporting thier brown gold? This country and I imagine several others would revolt! We would invade Columbia like they were the fourth axel of evil. Can you imagine if Coffee were taxed like cigarettes? nObama would have a surplus budget. (Sorry. I just couldn't do a whole blog without at least two shots at him.)

Those were all the angles I could think of on short notice I think I missed a couple. Feel free to ponder the Great Coffee Conspiracy and enlighten us with your angles on this menace to mankind. In the mean time I got to refill my cup. It's kind of dry.

See you in the break room.


patti said...

hmmm, I can probably come up with a bit more - let me ponder...

SilverWings said...

If Columbia stopped exporting/growing coffee, I'm pretty sure the entire world would come to a screeching halt until some other country figured out how to make climate-controlled, ginormous greenhouses that mimic the growing conditions in columbia to grow coffee in.
...but then that'd make the supply of coffee significantly less, and demand would be the same - if not more - and then the economy would probably take yet another nose dive.

Though, not as big a nose dive as it does when nObama speaks publicly.


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