Bummed

I don't know if it's the lack of class lately (or more likely the colds that have prevented me from making it to TKD/HKD) but I've been very down.


I have a "hopeless" air about me for the past few days. I'm somewhat excited about visiting my family in South Carolina but not as upbeat as I'd normally be.


I guess it's just a phase. Every now & then I get these "what's the point?" moods.


Right now the feeling I have is along the lines of, "Well, this is your life...man, this sucks". Everything's been the same for three or four years now: perpetually single, boring existence, same routine - day in, day out - nothing exciting ever happening.


I'll grant you boring is sometimes good - it eliminates the worry of nasty surprises. But the single life isn't supposed to be so overwhelmingly fraught with bouts of ennui. Maybe it's loneliness but not entirely of the no partner type.


I wouldn't mind dating again, though it's been at least 2 years or so since I've even tried. I'm not in the mood for rejection (of course, who ever is?) which always hangs about me like some twisted telling of Rime of the Ancient Mariner. The thing is getting shot down for most people is an inconvenience. For me, it's practically a guaranteed bitter end.


For all this, "You've gotta like yourself", or, "There's nothing wrong with you", crap I hear, not once does someone give me some USEFUL advice. Tell me what one of the above phrases does to make me feel better? Yeah, didn't think so.


It's not that my friends & family don't mean well but they're not in the same situation I am. I'm that guy whose always been outside looking in. My siblings seem largely satisfied with their current places in life. It seems more & more to me that I haven't figured out one darn thing in over three decades on this earth.