Prepare!

I saw her that one day, alone & approachable. Everything said, pushed me, to walk over & speak to the person sitting not ten feet from me.


Everything, that is, except my own insecurity.


I've played the story in my mind, viewed it like so many endings drawn up & crumpled on the cutting room floor. Why I failed to choose a path leading to the happy reconciliation, even I can't answer. Wanting the chance so long, that when it finally presented itself, offered the resolution happier than I could have hoped, I ran from it like every other time.


In that fleeting, failed moment of my own doing, I have no idea whether she would have found the same happiness in knowing me that I'm so sure I'd have meeting her. Fear, it seems has been given too much power over my reasoning.


Now, it's only angst & regret I feel when I hear anything about her or see so much as a picture. Sorrow for an glaringly obvious opportunity allowed to pass. The blame? My own.


I never imagined her as perfect, there wasn't a flawless person sitting near me. To see that wouldn't have impressed. I saw a woman with whom a great deal of similarity was obvious. A person. Human. We shared, without either ever knowing, commonality through our preferred arts. In that & by how casually she could look at me without turning shyly away when I noticed, I saw quiet confidence in her. I suppose that's to be expected from someone of that experience.


After countless reflections I've come to realize what makes something for which I obviously long so greatly impossible.


I'm not prepared.


It's nothing to do with who she is, where she is & what she wants. Sadly, this would be the concern of a person whose whole & prepared for his role in life. In my situation that person hasn't come to exist. My feelings of inadequacy are well-rooted:


My college degree, something with 3 years completed, has not been finished. Something people far less intelligent (IMAO) have accomplished with relative ease.


The current direction of my career - while promising - is far behind where a person of my age should be. I'm hard-working, adaptive & produce results. Still, the aforementioned lack of a degree limits my potential.


Ultimately, it's that I realize a person prepared for a relationship - prepared to accept the challenges of life - would have completed these goals by now. It's not that I won't complete them. It's that taking so long has made me understand how much it has cost.


Selfish as it is (if there's any point I'm selfish with, it's relationships), I know I've lost that chance with a person obviously so appreciable for her offerings to public service & education. It's by my own failing & at least I can grudgingly hope there is someone for whom she is suited.


All that I can offer from this is: Don't lose the opportunity like I did. Do what you need to be prepared for life & don't let fear or perceived inadequacy hold sway over your goals, wants & desires. I did & though my life is FAR from over & I have many things which I can anticipate, I'll have to live the rest of that life knowing I lost a genuine chance at what would truly make me happy.


All because I wasn't prepared.