DLs and the Sears Catalog

Two Dumb Liberals (DLs) were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.


One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this
catalog?'


The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the
price!'


The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At
this price, I'm buying one.'


The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and
if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'


Three weeks later, the youngest DL asks his friend, 'Did you ever
receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'


The second DL replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her
clothes yesterday!'

The Art of the Out of Office Message

Oh you know when Political correctness has gone too far when you start having staff meetings regarding what is appropriate to place in Out of Office messages.

So then they open it up to questions....heh heh heh To which we intellictual miscrants decided to start examples of what would not be appropriate.

"Would you say that it would be incorrect to use the following as ...yadayada..."

Here are the winners of that list.

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.

If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.

You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

8. I've run away to join a different circus.

9. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons.

When I return, please refer to me as Kate instead of Dave.

10. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

Who has a better one? Real or makebelieve we don't care all it has to be is funny.

The DL side of the coin

I have picked on DLs for a while now. Someone once told me that you should not judge someone till you could walk a mile in their shoes.

Hmmm. Okay so I have decided to find a way to look at reality from the other side of the political arena.

In that honor I have decided to switch parties and VOTE DEMOCRAT. You heard it here folks.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending my income than I would.

I'm voting Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good people.

I'm voting Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as Government sees fit.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe three or four pointy headed elitist need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would NEVER get their agendas past the voters.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that when the terrorists don't have to hide from us over there, they will come over here and I shouldn't have any guns in the house to fight them off with.

I'm voting Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my horse.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

Makes ya wonder why anyone would EVER vote Republican, now doesn't it?

If you believe that.... you are on the DL List.

Just The Ticket

I just realized with the choice of such an obviously weak running mate in Senator Joe Biden that we need to focus some of our efforts on helping this soon-to-be-struggling campaign out. Leaving the democrats with a crushing defeat will result in the abundant over-use of tissue paper. Since I don't have stock in Kleenex or Puffs, that's something that just can't happen. Besides, according to the enviro-whackos, all those liberal tears will also lead to global warming.

Obama '08 Campaign Slogans:
1) Biding our time: Biden this time!

2) Snobbery, Plaigarism & Seedy Housing Deals: Welcome back to the Clinton years!

3) Hope & Change: Pray you have either left when we're done!

4) Hey, it's not Dukakis or Mondale.

5) Only tough decisions are above our paygrades.

6) Draft Dodger? Never heard of a draft.

7) Obama '08: Turning live terrorists into "freedom fighters" since '04.

8) Young & Old, Change & Hope, Sick & Tired.

9) Obama/Biden: One opposed Reagan, the other is even crazier.

10) Obama/Biden: Like Laurel & Hardy without the funny.

Go Home, Commie

Nothing steams me more than seeing a hot-headed, bullying poor sport in martial arts. Add to the mix that it's a person in one of the arts I practice & you have a recipe for full-blown rage.

A Cuban TKD champion kicked a referee in the face after he was disqualified in a Bronze medal match for men's (over 80kg) sparring. The disqualification came because the certified jerk used more time than is allowed by regulation to recover from an injury. International rules allow for 60 seconds.

Look, fella. You were sent to represent not only your crappy, despot-led nation but the sport of TKD as a whole. I'm not saying you can't be upset at the call. I AM saying that kicking the referee in the head for following the rules is a load of crap & you deserve that lifetime ban.

I'm an advocate of pulling TKD out of the Olympics, anyway. It's been made a mockery of its former self by the way you clowns hold your hands down to the side. It's supposed to be mock fighting, guys! There should be at least an implication that a punch might be thrown.

Since I'm not a democrat, I should be expected to offer a reasonable alternative, right? Well, I have one: Traditional Hapkido sparring. Not only does it have the kicks of TKD, it also has takedowns & sweeps. It's not MMA, it's not tag with your feet, it is a more readily enjoyable sport than TKD sparring.

Alternatively, bring back Pankration! It was created by the Greeks (didn't they have something to do with the Olympics), doesn't allow punches to the head, has takedowns, joint locks & is very enjoyable to watch.

Now, the above doesn't eliminate poor sports - they'll always be around in one form or another. It does remove one of the silliest displays in the Olympics, replacing it with a more practical demonstration of human ability, and ensures martial arts will be better represented as a whole.

As for the loser who struck the ref: Hey, pal, have fun in Cuba. I'm sure the Castros won't take it out on you at all...

Moving Day

Today, I trekked to Ames to help little sis Sarah move back for college. It was a nice change of pace for me - as I've been somewhat busy (yet bored at the same time).

The trip was fun & we talked about tons of stuff (best joke: What are the sexiest animals on a farm?). It took just under 2 hours & we only needed an hour to move her in - it's not a big moving day at ISU, apparently.

Now, I don't know when the last time was any of you saw a dorm room but HOLY CRAP! This thing was huge. Sure, it's technically 3 rooms, 6 people but that's TWO floors, TWO full bathrooms, a living area, kitchen across the hall, etc. This place is amazing. Heck, it's almost better than my apartment! It's light years better than the dorms at UI (miserable bastion of liberalism that it is).

So, after a rather enjoyable, uneventful move-in, we all went to lunch at Applebees - which is a nice enough place...when you're not getting a bit of the food poisoning, that is. Yeah, less than 1 hour later, ol' big brother is in the bathroom making more noise than a high school marching band backed up by a 747 jet engine. It was bad.

Still, I recovered & it was a good day. I left about 1pm & made it home about 3 - just in time to get ready for class...

The DL Montage with Obama Flair

Roe vs Wade

Back in college, Obama was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs Wade decision was. He sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally said,"I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."

***
Q: What is the difference between a President Obama and a UFO?


A: There have been sightings of UFOs.



***

Q: What do you see when you look directly into Obama's eyes?


A: The back of his head.


***

Q: What do you call Obama behind a steering wheel?


A: An air bag.



***

Ooooo this one is for the nerds....
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside of Obama's head?


A: A Space Invader.



***

Q: What do you call when Obama sits between Condoleezza Rice and Bill O'Reilly?


A: A mental block.



***

Q. What do twenty Dumb Liberals standing ear to ear make?


A. A wind tunnel. (this happens in Congress often)



***

Q. How do you make Obama laugh on Saturday?


A. Tell him a joke on Wednesday.


***

Q. How do you confuse a Dumb Liberal? (this one was way too easy)

A. You can't, they have always been like that.





Q. Why is it good to have Obama as a passenger?


A. You get to park in the handicap zone.





Q. What does Obama say when you ask him what the last two words of the national anthem are?


A. Play ball!





Q. What was McCain Doing when he was standing between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama?


A. Interpreting.


Speeding
A police officer stops a Dumb Liberal for speeding and asks him very nicely if he could see the DL's license. The DL replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and now today you expect me to show it to you."





The Thermos
A Dumb Liberal was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over to theclerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "why, that's a thermos....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.""Wow," said the Dumb Liberal, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!" So she took the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss, who is also a Dumb Liberal, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked. "Why, that's a thermos...it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"she replied. "What do you have in it?"asked the boss.


"Two popsicles and some coffee"





You know you would think that making fun of Dumb Liberals would have somekind of enjoyable payout. But the more I do this the more I just shake my head.......

Geek SquaSHEd

Geek Squad Tech Support,

You kept Hap's PC for a month. He can kill with his pinky and an evil stare. You won't like him when he's angry.

Here's Your Sign.

The Taliban Education System.

I saw this and for some odd reason I though of Hapkido's Martial Arts class.

Made Up Your Mind, Eh?

Seen on a local idiot's person's car...

Bumper sticker #1:
Obama '08

Bumper sticker #2:
"I'm already against the next war."

I'm sure someone once said, "Those who will fight for nothing, deserve it".

I'm willing to bet you can add the above clown to that group. Sure, other than ending Communism, toppling the Berlin Wall, ending WW II, providing us our Independence, ending slavery and freeing the Iraqi people, a righteous use of force has never done anything for anyone.

Get a clue you "anti" kooks out there. It's easy to be against something. Take a stand, get a pair & be for something greater than yourself.

Just Too Good

My brother did a good one on this caption...

Which way did they go?

One good 50 year old joke deserves another.

Can't Trust Older Men...

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible! How could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonald's.'

The Darker Side

Oh, it's not all that "dark", per se. Let's just say that when, in my role as an instructor in TKD, I tell the whole class to keep their hands up or everyone will do push-ups, I. Mean. It.

Of course, I'm going to lead by example & will do them myself - and let's not miss the point:

1) In self-defense, if your hands are down, you're toast. I don't care if a mugger is going to punch you, a drunk is going to tackle you or Mother Superior is trying to smack your face with a ruler. Hands down = lots of pain headed your way.

2) It's expected in the art. Hands up, ready for confrontation and available to use. I understand, little Timmy, that you may have seen a rough day swimming on this beautiful summer afternoon. However, I'm pretty darn sure the parent next to you in class had a rougher one. Suck it up, kid.

3) Show respect for your instructor(s). Most importantly, I mean the Chief Instructor - who is on vacation. If you disrespect anyone in that class, you're disrespecting him. That makes me angry. Much like Bruce Banner, you don't want to see me angry...

So, ten measly push-ups later, the same two kids learned just about squat. I was nice enough not to single them out - after all, 20 people were just disciplined thanks to two recalcitrant young boys. I promise you all this: if I have to do any more push-ups because of some slacker kids, I will be more creative in my methods of correction.

Payback Time

Hap's Back (Saga of the Notebook)

Needless to say, I won't be buying a Dell anytime soon. Of course, my "buddies" at Best Buy (short for "Best buy someplace else, fella") did me the great favor of NOT sending the Dell to the service center after the motherboard died. No, they let the thing sit in the store for 4 weeks while they did nothing...

So, after my brother was kind enough to call them - in place of my ranting anger - they agreed to make good on the warranty & give me a new laptop. Of course, the new one is an HP, not a Dell. Here's hoping that my next foray into the world of portable blogging is met with more reliable service.

How to handle an Challenge of Wits from an Unarmed DL

Mrs. McCain found herself sitting next to Mrs. Obama at a Presidential Debate. Mrs. Obama just kept bugging Mrs. McCain wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, Mrs. Obama offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time Mrs. McCain could not answer one of the Liberal’s questions, Mrs. McCain owed Mrs. Obama $10, but every time Mrs. Obama could not answer the Conservative’s, Mrs. Obama would give Mrs. McCain $100.00. Mrs. Obama figured she could not lose, and Mrs. McCain reluctantly accepted.

Mrs. Obama first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word Mrs. McCain arched an eyebrow and handed Mrs. Obama $10. Then Mrs. McCain asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, Mrs. Obama looked puzzled. She took several hours, looking up everything she could on her laptop and even placing numerous text messages and Cell calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, she gave up and paid Mrs. McCain $100. Mrs. McCain put the $100 into her purse without comment, but Mrs. Obama insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, Mrs. McCain slyly smiled and handed her $10.

The Farve Saga

I know I know Everyone is sick of hearing about the FARVE TRADE.

I have not had my say in this as a die hard Packer Fan and as an admirer of the Legend of Brett Farve. As my fellow life-long Packer Fans and I have lived through mediocre Packer Teams and I have had the patience to survive it, we think we are entitled to a little say in this deal. We do not have any desire to return to the Post Bart Starr era. BUT NOOOOO. It appears that the brainiacs in power at Lambeau are testing that patience once again. Someone up there needs to do a Rectal-Lobotomy on the Head Coach, GM and the Team President (ALL of whom need to go). What happened to the brains and genius of Ron Wolfe, Bob Harlan, and Mike Holmgren? They left a vacuume in the athletic intelligence community of Middle Wisconsin. Oh I cant believe I am going to say this but …THOSE WERE THE DAYS. The Packers had the Hat-trick Team-supreme in them. They knew something that these others do not. The ability to identify TALENT, SKILL, ABILITY and to shut up and getting out of the way when that is called for.

So how do I think it should have gone down? Well Honestly if Brett asked them to kiss his holy arse I think that they should have Shaved, put on the lip gloss and PUCKERED UP.
Acheivement for Acheivement, Farve’s successes would line up farther than either of them can throw. The Ego B-Fight that went on between his majesty the Farve and the Front Office was nothing more than spoiled child’s play on the front office’s part. There are some that say that Farve brought this on himself. WELL EXCUUUUUUSE ME. It is that kind of mentality that gets you a GM position in the NFL these days. Farve paided for this team through a show of blood sweat tears and loyalty. He showed time and again that he was for the team and the team in turn was for Farve. These three stooges need to scoot closer to the table because they are going to get served a nice big serving of Crow with a side of Gumbo... and if they have room for it afterward for just deserts....a nice big cup of "You shoulda shut the....uhm....'Heck' up. (keeping it clean for Mrs. Who and the kids. :) )

This last week has got me so (Warning! Bad Pun Ahead) Cheesed Off that I have been practicing my new chant. J.E.T.S. JETS JETS JETS. it really doesn't hurt as bad as I thought it would.

As I was stinging from the pain of this unecessary trade I ran across the article below that sums up exactly what I was thinking. Jason Whitlock had the precise information that was going through my head but I could not put in words the way I wanted.
http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/8422668/Favre-can't-win-when-it-comes-to-office-politics

While I do feel for Chad and I do wish him luck, I bear no such sentiment for the HC, GM, and TP at the Packers. They will go down in history but not as they expected. They will be know as the idiots that let a good one get away in favor of their wounded pride.

To all the Farve haters out there who say he will fail in NY. If that is true then why were the 3 stooges in Green Bay so terrified that he would play in the NFC? Because his No-End-In-Sight-Skill is the thing that keeps them awake at night and they want that as far away from them as possible. Also Why were soo many teams very interested in acquiring Farve if he is "Done" as you say? Probably because it is only wishfull thinking talking and not common sense.

Dan Marino left when he got pushed out. He could still throw the ball better than his replacements. Look where Miami has gone since. Green Bay I still love you and will always be a fan but I am NOT a TT MM or MM fan and will not be happy again till they are nothing but bad memories.

Farve will reign again in NY and "J.E.T.S. Jets jets jets" is not that painful to say.

To the Jets fans. I envy you. You may see the end of the Patsies sooner than any of us thought possible and at the sound of Roaring Jets fans. I look forward to your many victories.

To the Penninton Faithful: I feel your pain much more than you probably realize but I do not have the Team hope that you can have. I did not like Farve when he first came to Lambeau. It took time. He also was not the legendary gunslinger then, that he is now.

To the Patsies. Your day has come. There is a new Marshal in town. He doesn't take too kindly to cheaters. Enjoy preseason, because Brett's coming and there is going to be hell to pay.

To Brett 'the Jet' Farve. We 'The Faithful' will always love you and miss you in the mid-west. Good luck Country Time. Teach them New Yorkers how to do the Lambeau Leap for us.