Woody Woodpecker

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:



Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Dr. Seuss Redux

For the older kids out there...

Gun Wrongs

Because there's an obvious opposite to Gun Rights...

Deep Thoughts: Nobel Prize title for winners.

For those days when there is nothing better to do than to ponder through musings of a twisted mind.

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I got to thinking today, when I person gets knighted they attain a certain status. They can be called "Sir Knight". When someone reaches the heights of their education in their line of study they get to be called "Doctor". When a martial artist kicks enough butt in Badaahhhhh... *uhem* Bad Arse style (keeping it clean for Mrs. Who ;) ) they get to be called Master.

I think now that Barak Hussein Obama has earned the title of Nobel Peace Prize Winner he should be able to use the title "Leader Extraordinaire."

Yeah I think it should do.

Barak
Hussein
Obama
Leader
Extraordinaire

Anyone else got a fitting title for this new prize winner?

Hmmmmmmm.

THE Christmas Gift of the Year

Folks, have you ever wondered what it would be like to experience, firsthand, the generosity of "The One"?



Do you find yourself in contempt of the American economy, way of life & capitalism, in general?



Admit it, you've secretly hoped for a game you could play that allows you to do both of these wonderful things at once.





Introducing: Obamopoly!!!



The object of the game is to destroy American capitalism by having the government take over EVERYTHING!



Tokens include a bus, a teleprompter, a sprig of arugula (have you seen the cost of that lately?) & a waffle iron.



So, do you wanna play? NO??? Well, too bad, everyone's playing and, quite frankly, in this game, nobody wins...

Killing Kittens Since 1992...

Deep Thoughts: Cash For Clunkers Positive Angle.

For those days when there is nothing better to do than to ponder through musings of a twisted mind.

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I have decided to try to take a more positive look on the current hole we are in. So here we go:

The POSITIVE results in the Cash For Clunkers program:


It has taken thousands of Obama bumper stickers off the road...



How did I do?

hmmmmmm.....

Awww...

This is just the sweetest little thing I have ever seen!

As a matter of fact, this Italian Teddy Bear is possibly cuter & cuddlier than I am!

Um, possibly NSFW if you have folks with tender ears...

Deep thoughts: Poles or Polls

For those days when there is nothing better to do than to ponder through musings of a twisted mind.

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Facebook AKA Stalkerland has way too much time on it's collective hands. They throw out all kinds of stuff. I ran across this in my perusings which I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it......

The results for "The "Re-elect Obama" Poll"


Will you vote for Obama in 2012
yes - (24.3%)
no - (70.9%)
undecided - (4.7%)


Jimmy Carter even did better than that!!!
How did THAT happen if Facebook is dominated by the younger generation College / Highschool age peeps.....

nObama's Propaganda Czar must not doing their job.



Wait...... that's MSNBC. Nevermind. That explains a lot.

One Year

Hard to believe it's been a year since the seizure. Not that I haven't had a few ups & downs, just like all of y'all have, but I'm generally in good health; pretty happy; and am fortunate that the only reminder of that incident is this well-hidden scar on the top of my noggin. (A special thanks to Mrs. Who, whose thoughtful gift kept it that way, even right after the surgery!)

Since the C-shaped scar is in fact there & I have a needlessly disturbing sense of humor, I figure having a little fun with my situation is in good order. You see, baldness runs in my family. It seemed to skip me, as I have a gloriously full head of hair, but how would I explain this scar if that well-coiffed "do" wasn't perched up there?

Explanations for Hap's C-shaped Scar
-- Horrible incident involving an impromptu nap in a pumpkin patch.
-- "Darn right I'm a hardcore Carolina fan!"
-- "Dad thought reminding me of my GPA in high school would help for college."
-- Something involving the rescue of a busload of nuns/orphans.
-- #6 of 12 extreme protesters who declare "OBAMACARE SUX".
-- "I took folks literally when they said I should have my head examined."
-- "When someone says, 'I double-dog dare you', there's no WAY I'm backing down!"
-- "DNC tried to remove my brain & all they got was this lousy tumor."

Deep Thoughts: nObama Care and Plastic Surgery

For those days when there is nothing better to do than to ponder through musings of a twisted mind.

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What is going to happen to Plastic Surgery if nObama gets a hold of it.

Or WORSE YET!!!!!!

Eiew......

Deep Thoughts - Typos

For those days when there is nothing better to do than to ponder through musings of a twisted mind.

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It occurs to me that the letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard.

This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending an email with the phrase "Regards" again.

hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Cash For Codgers

JUST IN.....

Democrats, realizing the success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.

President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named.....

"CASH FOR CODGERS".......

and it works like this..... Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers
will garner the highest amounts.

Special "Bonuses"......will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and
ANY member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses......will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, ice cream or other dairy products, bacon, or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair.

Remember....... You heard it here first.....

Sleepytime Fun

Old Fart Football!!! **this was sent to me by Mrs. Engrish. ....don't get any ideas Mrs. Engrish or it's to the couch.**

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable,he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the heck was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides."

Simple Science at Work

New Element Discovered (From an internet friend)

Scientists have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 Czar neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Obamacare

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMACARE:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter
the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is “an apple a
day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill
last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not
a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming”.

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Deep Thoughts: Criminal Minds

For those days when there is nothing better to do than to ponder through musings of a twisted mind.

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If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

and.......

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

hmmmmmm

Geography Lesson

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered,
half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and
open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but
still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a
glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through
war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but
open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a
mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages... An adventurous spirit
and a thirst for spiritual knowledge....


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran: ruled by nuts.

Deep Thoughts - Luxury Cars

For those days when there is nothing better to do than to ponder through musings of a twisted mind.

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Luxury cars are soon to be a thing of the past if the current regime has it's way.

They have always been beyond my means but I took out a luxury car last week, just to drive that sucker.

The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained the seats directed warm air to your butt during the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I couldn't resist: I stated the car must be a Republican car.


He asked; "Why do you say it is a Republican car?"

I explained if it were a democratic car the seats would blow smoke up your ass year 'round.

Deep thoughts - The Uh Oh.

For those days when there is nothing better to do than to ponder through musings of a twisted mind.

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We know that if you put lipstick on a pig it is still a pig. BUT......

If you put lipstick on a horse will Barak still kiss her goodnight? (maybe after he buys her a $6000 feedbag?)