THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT...
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they
would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist
friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
8/16/07
8/15/07
The Real Debate
I subscribe to the "Rush In A Hurry" e-mail update which is an excellent summary of that fine radio program. Since I'm working nights (until next week, woo hoo!), it affords me the opportunity to know what happened on the show.
In yesterdays update I discovered a shocking question being asked of one of the presidential candidates. Not only was this a question that needs to be asked, it is high time someone brought this into the forefront of this great nation's view.
Barack Obama has been asked, apparently repeatedly & in a rhetorical sense, by the media if he is "black enough" to be considered a black presidential candidate. Now, I'm Italian & can't possibly be the best person to determine if someone is "black enough". Come to think of it, I can't be the judge on if anyone is "Irish enough", "Eskimo enough" or "non-mob related enough" to be POTUS.
But that's not the question that needs answering...
If you reference this transcript from Rush Limbaugh's site, read through it (Paragraph 5), & you'll quickly discover the question that every honest, reasonable & patriotic American should be asking: Have you noticed the price of arugula lately?
Honestly, all I want to do is make a sweet, peppery pesto & arugula is the only real way to do that. Sure, some of you argue "Basil!" but that's discrimination against the devout Arugulan crowd. Some have even gone so far to ask if basil is "arugula enough" to be pesto - when, of course, it isn't. The question isn't even fair.
It's high time a candidate stepped forward to confront this divisive issue. Simply dismissing arugula as the "magic basil" is condescending & inappropriate! Furthermore, attacking a well-grown, agri-cultural, clean & nice-looking vegetable like arugula sends the message that most arugula is dirty, ugly & even *gasp* hydroponic!
What we need is a "Green City", to match the concept of Ray Nagin's vision of New Orleans, because this is obviously God's will. If He wanted basil & arugula to be considered equals, He would have made them exactly the same. Since arugula is rarer & more costly than basil, we can assume that God, in fact, prizes arugula & keeps most of it to Himself!
I'd like to thank Barack Obama for finally bringing this pressing issue to light! It surely was not easy to stand there in the glaring Iowa sun & field questions of this magnitude. For that, he deserves our support. Not only for pesto, but in salads & for fighting against the dreaded Linguini Basilico!
In yesterdays update I discovered a shocking question being asked of one of the presidential candidates. Not only was this a question that needs to be asked, it is high time someone brought this into the forefront of this great nation's view.
Barack Obama has been asked, apparently repeatedly & in a rhetorical sense, by the media if he is "black enough" to be considered a black presidential candidate. Now, I'm Italian & can't possibly be the best person to determine if someone is "black enough". Come to think of it, I can't be the judge on if anyone is "Irish enough", "Eskimo enough" or "non-mob related enough" to be POTUS.
But that's not the question that needs answering...
If you reference this transcript from Rush Limbaugh's site, read through it (Paragraph 5), & you'll quickly discover the question that every honest, reasonable & patriotic American should be asking: Have you noticed the price of arugula lately?
Honestly, all I want to do is make a sweet, peppery pesto & arugula is the only real way to do that. Sure, some of you argue "Basil!" but that's discrimination against the devout Arugulan crowd. Some have even gone so far to ask if basil is "arugula enough" to be pesto - when, of course, it isn't. The question isn't even fair.
...Some have even gone so far to ask if basil is
"arugula enough" to be pesto - which, of course, it isn't.
It's high time a candidate stepped forward to confront this divisive issue. Simply dismissing arugula as the "magic basil" is condescending & inappropriate! Furthermore, attacking a well-grown, agri-cultural, clean & nice-looking vegetable like arugula sends the message that most arugula is dirty, ugly & even *gasp* hydroponic!
What we need is a "Green City", to match the concept of Ray Nagin's vision of New Orleans, because this is obviously God's will. If He wanted basil & arugula to be considered equals, He would have made them exactly the same. Since arugula is rarer & more costly than basil, we can assume that God, in fact, prizes arugula & keeps most of it to Himself!
I'd like to thank Barack Obama for finally bringing this pressing issue to light! It surely was not easy to stand there in the glaring Iowa sun & field questions of this magnitude. For that, he deserves our support. Not only for pesto, but in salads & for fighting against the dreaded Linguini Basilico!
8/14/07
Stardust
**No Spoilers**
This action-drama was an excellent movie (really more of a date flick)! Basically, we have Tristan (Charlie Cox), a decent but awkward shop boy who is hopelessly smitten with a transparently superficial hottie, Victoria (Sienna Miller). To demonstrate his "love" for her, he vows to bring back a shooting star (Yvaine, played by the lovely Claire Danes) they observed that night for Victoria's upcoming birthday.
Also in the chase, for various, mostly vicious, reasons are Septimus (a sinister "gentleman", by Mark Strong) & Lamia (cunningly portrayed by Michelle Pfeiffer). Septimus is ambitious & largely a noble man who believes he is important above all others. Lamia is pure evil: calculating, controlling & devoid of any decency. Both want "the star" for their own selfish devices.
You'll enjoy this movie for the most part. There are a couple "slow" parts but these largely serve to keep a sense of tempo in the movie & do not disappoint. Robert DeNiro, playing Captain Shakespeare, gives an...interesting performance. Oh, it's good as expected. Just a different role for him.
If you're a romantic who loves a Princess Bride-type story without so much of the tongue-in-cheek, this movie will sit well with you. There is humor but it's not the focus of the film. The dramatic story is well done, suspense is ever-present & the climactic scene is excellent. Fortunately, the number of cliches are kept to a minimum & the acting is strong for all parts.
The most important lesson? If a ninety year-old man tells you not to do something, DON'T try to trick him! He might hand you a beating you'll never forget! :-)
This action-drama was an excellent movie (really more of a date flick)! Basically, we have Tristan (Charlie Cox), a decent but awkward shop boy who is hopelessly smitten with a transparently superficial hottie, Victoria (Sienna Miller). To demonstrate his "love" for her, he vows to bring back a shooting star (Yvaine, played by the lovely Claire Danes) they observed that night for Victoria's upcoming birthday.
Also in the chase, for various, mostly vicious, reasons are Septimus (a sinister "gentleman", by Mark Strong) & Lamia (cunningly portrayed by Michelle Pfeiffer). Septimus is ambitious & largely a noble man who believes he is important above all others. Lamia is pure evil: calculating, controlling & devoid of any decency. Both want "the star" for their own selfish devices.
You'll enjoy this movie for the most part. There are a couple "slow" parts but these largely serve to keep a sense of tempo in the movie & do not disappoint. Robert DeNiro, playing Captain Shakespeare, gives an...interesting performance. Oh, it's good as expected. Just a different role for him.
If you're a romantic who loves a Princess Bride-type story without so much of the tongue-in-cheek, this movie will sit well with you. There is humor but it's not the focus of the film. The dramatic story is well done, suspense is ever-present & the climactic scene is excellent. Fortunately, the number of cliches are kept to a minimum & the acting is strong for all parts.
The most important lesson? If a ninety year-old man tells you not to do something, DON'T try to trick him! He might hand you a beating you'll never forget! :-)
8/13/07
Yeah, The Guilty Ones!
Many businesses are concerned that the crackdown on illegal immigration (try DEPORTING them, G-men!) will have horrible, unforeseen, cataclysmic results. Namely, they're concerned the economic security of their companies may be in jeopardy. What companies are these?
Banks? Nope.
Lawyers? Hardly.
No, the industry most threatened by curtailing illegal immigration is the agricultural industry. Many of these businesses, according to the American Farm Bureau Federation, aren't in good shape if the crackdown occurs. Apparently, this is counted upon to be some sort of sympathy plea to the public. Yes, I am sympathetic.
Whoops! I meant, "some are pathetic".
If any portion of your economic viability is dependent upon illegal activity, I have a couple fields I could suggest: Italians, we have the Mafia. Others can join everything from gangs to syndicates if one is looking for the thrilling life of a wanted man. If that's too much for you, try corporate fraud or burglary.
But, c'mon, if you're thinking "I want to make a fast buck" by hiring a sub-minimum wage illegal immigrant, and then have the nerve to announce how unfair it is when someone cites the law, then you're about as smart as those criminals dumb enough to rob a convenience store & look right into the camera.
You deserve to get caught.
Banks? Nope.
Lawyers? Hardly.
No, the industry most threatened by curtailing illegal immigration is the agricultural industry. Many of these businesses, according to the American Farm Bureau Federation, aren't in good shape if the crackdown occurs. Apparently, this is counted upon to be some sort of sympathy plea to the public. Yes, I am sympathetic.
Whoops! I meant, "some are pathetic".
If any portion of your economic viability is dependent upon illegal activity, I have a couple fields I could suggest: Italians, we have the Mafia. Others can join everything from gangs to syndicates if one is looking for the thrilling life of a wanted man. If that's too much for you, try corporate fraud or burglary.
But, c'mon, if you're thinking "I want to make a fast buck" by hiring a sub-minimum wage illegal immigrant, and then have the nerve to announce how unfair it is when someone cites the law, then you're about as smart as those criminals dumb enough to rob a convenience store & look right into the camera.
You deserve to get caught.
Really? I'm Shocked!
OK, not so shocked that East-German guards had a "shoot-to-kill" authorization for defectors.
From a communist-controlled country? Nooooooo!
The only folks who would think this is news, much less surprising news, are the same ones who have "irrefutable" scientific evidence that global warming exists. In both cases, they just aren't facing up to reality.
Communist countries give the people only the rights the government sees fit to provide. By allowing these people to defect, the commies have less power. It's not a stretch to think communists would rather kill someone than allow them sweet, sweet freedom.
Yeah, I'd say the pinkos are that spiteful.
From a communist-controlled country? Nooooooo!
The only folks who would think this is news, much less surprising news, are the same ones who have "irrefutable" scientific evidence that global warming exists. In both cases, they just aren't facing up to reality.
Communist countries give the people only the rights the government sees fit to provide. By allowing these people to defect, the commies have less power. It's not a stretch to think communists would rather kill someone than allow them sweet, sweet freedom.
Yeah, I'd say the pinkos are that spiteful.
Why Not?
StarWars Pants quotes:
- We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
- The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
- I find your lack of pants disturbing.
- These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
- Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
- General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.
- I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
- TK-421... Why aren't you in your pants?
- Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
- You are unwise to lower your pants.
- She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
- Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
- You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark.
- Luke... Help me remove these pants.
- Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
- That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
- A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
- Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
- Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
- Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one... Your sister!
- Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
- Short pants is better than no pants at all.
8/11/07
Music
I'm in the mood to share some favorites, so here goes:
1) Amazing Grace - Lari White.
I'm not really much into country. I'm not predisposed to religious music. Still, I don't know if it gets any better than hearing Lari White sing this tune - it's like she was born so we could all hear how great this song can be. I remember when I was in the Navy I saw that she gave a concert in Florida (her home state) for the sailors there. The commanding officer said she brought grown men to tears with this song. Enough said.
2) Paper Bag - Anna Nalick.
Listen to it. Maybe you'll get it. I don't think she's that well-known but this song should be far more popular than "Breathe (2AM)" - which is good in its own right. Something about the whole 'wearing masks" theme strikes me right to the core.
3) Long Tall Sally - Little Richard.
Great song. Even better when used in the movie "Predator". From the man who invented Rock & Roll as we know it, there's just good fun to be had in this song.
4) Colorful - Rocco DeLuca.
Some great acoustic guitar, decent lyrics & a playful - almost hinting at soulful - pace make this a must listen. For the guys: the video ain't 1/2 bad, either.
5) Vehicle - Ides Of March.
Whoa! Now this is a song. I don't care who you are, if you don't get into this classic piece of rock music, you're un-American. There, I said it!
6) Brown-Eyed Girl - Van Morrison.
A classic by any standard. You have a great song that lifts the mood, lets you have fun & is a "happy wistful". "Down in the hollow / Playing a new game". Heh.
7) Return To Me - Dean Martin.
Props to Joey Gian for a good cover but this version takes the cake! Beautiful in every way: from hopeful longing to yearning for a lost love - I'd seriously fall in love with the girl who danced with me to this song. (Geez, that was SO sappy of me!)
8) Gimme Some Lovin' - The Spencer Davis Group.
Ah, yes. Fun, fun, F-U-N!!! I love this beat, these lyrics, this feeling! It's a song that you can't help but be happy to. Enjoy it for all it's worth!
9) It's All Right - Huey Lewis & The News.
A capella - a lost art form. I've seen this group perform it live & it could NEVER get old. They nail it every time. Of all the bands I've heard, these guys love the work, love the music & nail the notes better than anyone. A friend once went to a concert when they were "big" & said the group stopped by a bar to have drinks with some of the fans. Huey & the boys earned top dog status in my mind.
10) Breakfast At Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something.
I don't know why but I sing to this song every time I hear it. I know it's not the most cheerful song but I do think it's optimistic at least. It's light, enjoyable & the group really had a hit with this. Sadly, they didn't have much else...
No meme here. If you want to do the same, just do it! I figure there's fun to be had in hearing what other people like to play.
1) Amazing Grace - Lari White.
I'm not really much into country. I'm not predisposed to religious music. Still, I don't know if it gets any better than hearing Lari White sing this tune - it's like she was born so we could all hear how great this song can be. I remember when I was in the Navy I saw that she gave a concert in Florida (her home state) for the sailors there. The commanding officer said she brought grown men to tears with this song. Enough said.
2) Paper Bag - Anna Nalick.
Listen to it. Maybe you'll get it. I don't think she's that well-known but this song should be far more popular than "Breathe (2AM)" - which is good in its own right. Something about the whole 'wearing masks" theme strikes me right to the core.
3) Long Tall Sally - Little Richard.
Great song. Even better when used in the movie "Predator". From the man who invented Rock & Roll as we know it, there's just good fun to be had in this song.
4) Colorful - Rocco DeLuca.
Some great acoustic guitar, decent lyrics & a playful - almost hinting at soulful - pace make this a must listen. For the guys: the video ain't 1/2 bad, either.
5) Vehicle - Ides Of March.
Whoa! Now this is a song. I don't care who you are, if you don't get into this classic piece of rock music, you're un-American. There, I said it!
6) Brown-Eyed Girl - Van Morrison.
A classic by any standard. You have a great song that lifts the mood, lets you have fun & is a "happy wistful". "Down in the hollow / Playing a new game". Heh.
7) Return To Me - Dean Martin.
Props to Joey Gian for a good cover but this version takes the cake! Beautiful in every way: from hopeful longing to yearning for a lost love - I'd seriously fall in love with the girl who danced with me to this song. (Geez, that was SO sappy of me!)
8) Gimme Some Lovin' - The Spencer Davis Group.
Ah, yes. Fun, fun, F-U-N!!! I love this beat, these lyrics, this feeling! It's a song that you can't help but be happy to. Enjoy it for all it's worth!
9) It's All Right - Huey Lewis & The News.
A capella - a lost art form. I've seen this group perform it live & it could NEVER get old. They nail it every time. Of all the bands I've heard, these guys love the work, love the music & nail the notes better than anyone. A friend once went to a concert when they were "big" & said the group stopped by a bar to have drinks with some of the fans. Huey & the boys earned top dog status in my mind.
10) Breakfast At Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something.
I don't know why but I sing to this song every time I hear it. I know it's not the most cheerful song but I do think it's optimistic at least. It's light, enjoyable & the group really had a hit with this. Sadly, they didn't have much else...
No meme here. If you want to do the same, just do it! I figure there's fun to be had in hearing what other people like to play.
8/10/07
The Redhead
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, "she replies. . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye." :-P
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, "she replies. . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye." :-P
100% Preventable
(H/T Michelle Malkin)
In the linked article you'll find a grisly example of a completely preventable crime. Had these two disgusting individuals not been here, in the United States, the horrible death of this young lady - Dani Countryman, 15 - would have never been perpetrated.
As it stands, we have two (more) illegal aliens living in jail cells, asking for warmer clothing; a devastated family attempting to deal with the tragic, needless death of a daughter; & a bunch of apologists for illegals in elected government.
To them, I ask:
Honestly, the whole of it disgusts me. I try not to get furious over things out of my control but this is too much. I, for one, could not bear looking someone in the eye & tell them a loved one was gone forever because of my indifference or opportunism. Of course, that's because most of us, unlike the ineffectual beltway players, have our own consciences.
In the linked article you'll find a grisly example of a completely preventable crime. Had these two disgusting individuals not been here, in the United States, the horrible death of this young lady - Dani Countryman, 15 - would have never been perpetrated.
As it stands, we have two (more) illegal aliens living in jail cells, asking for warmer clothing; a devastated family attempting to deal with the tragic, needless death of a daughter; & a bunch of apologists for illegals in elected government.
To them, I ask:
How would you feel, sir or madam, if a stranger walked up to you & told your entire family that a daughter, son, mother or brother wasn't coming home because a selfish, bickering bunch of political opportunists thought it was better to court a vote?
Do you have the concept of shame within you to recognize that while you debated, prattled & postured for personal gain that illegal aliens are in this country, coming to this country, breaking our laws - the ones you take an oath to defend & support - & you have done not one thing to prevent this & other tragedies in the lives of Americans?
Honestly, the whole of it disgusts me. I try not to get furious over things out of my control but this is too much. I, for one, could not bear looking someone in the eye & tell them a loved one was gone forever because of my indifference or opportunism. Of course, that's because most of us, unlike the ineffectual beltway players, have our own consciences.
Maybe He Needs Enzyte?
Ah, to be a panda...
Living the good life, frolicking amongst the trees & chewing on Eucalyptus day in & day out. You also get the fringe benefit of being an endangered species. Namely, the zookeeper makes sure you have a harem of (presumably) attractive female pandas for the purpose of procreation. Yeah, it must be a grand old panda life.
Of course, that's assuming you're a male panda!
In the most brilliant example of biology known to man, Chinese zoologists failed to recognize that a panda didn't have the ol' twig & berries - if you catch my meaning. Now, maybe one could assume the little guy (sorry) just wasn't blessed with the best wedding tackle but you'd think a group of flipping scientists could tell you which two pandas are going to be able to (queue Barry White) *bow-chika-bow-bow* to make a baby panda!
Seriously.
Living the good life, frolicking amongst the trees & chewing on Eucalyptus day in & day out. You also get the fringe benefit of being an endangered species. Namely, the zookeeper makes sure you have a harem of (presumably) attractive female pandas for the purpose of procreation. Yeah, it must be a grand old panda life.
Of course, that's assuming you're a male panda!
In the most brilliant example of biology known to man, Chinese zoologists failed to recognize that a panda didn't have the ol' twig & berries - if you catch my meaning. Now, maybe one could assume the little guy (sorry) just wasn't blessed with the best wedding tackle but you'd think a group of flipping scientists could tell you which two pandas are going to be able to (queue Barry White) *bow-chika-bow-bow* to make a baby panda!
Seriously.
8/8/07
Things Not To Try
Note to self, HapKiDo:
When a new guy starts martial arts, the best way to scare him out of that place in two seconds is to demonstrate an air fall from about four feet up.
Fortunately, he decided to stick with it. :-)
When a new guy starts martial arts, the best way to scare him out of that place in two seconds is to demonstrate an air fall from about four feet up.
Fortunately, he decided to stick with it. :-)
Just Too Cute
We have these two kids in the Cedar Rapids TKD class I teach.
They're good friends & often like working with each other in class. Normally, this would cause problems but these two children are not like most preoccupied youngsters in a martial arts class.
Laural & Annie are two young kids (best guess: 8 & 10 respectively) who have always shown a little more enthusiasm & effort than the other children in the school. Now, I don't think it's anything unusual for a girl to have more focus than a boy. Let's face it: even in the pre-pubescent stage of our lives, we boys are more easily distracted than Rosie O'Donnell at an RNC convention hearing someone yell, "Free Ho-hos"! What is different about these two is when they work together, they WORK together.
For you parents & teachers out there who see nothing but horrible possibilities stemming from the hi jinks of two young girls, let me lay your fears to rest. These two, who missed class for separate, unfortunate circumstances, actually asked me to have more time to work on their forms!
This is the equivalent of a young daughter walking up her parents & asking for more time to do math homework, eat vegetables, etc. Shocking doesn't quite cover it.
Soooo, I left them to their own devices & handled the rest of class. Every now & then I'd look over & see them, sure enough, hard at work on their forms. I can only remember thinking how impressive it was that I could leave two kids alone & see them dedicated to exactly the task they set out to do.
We went through the rest of class & lined up to bow out. That's when I decided to use their good example & subtly (is that a word?) let the class know how impressed I was that these two studious young ladies had thrown all this effort into learning their forms to get ready for junior black belt. Here's how it went:
Me: "Laural, how did yours & Annie's forms go?"
Laural: "They went really well, sir."
::Bless her heart, she even said "sir" like she's supposed to!::
Me: "So, how far did the two of you get?"
(To explain, we have 1 form per belt & two for their belt level. They have 11 forms to do for their next belt. Each has a name. Laural did not use the name.)
Laural: (Smiles. Raises hands to imitate start of her highest form) "Uh, we got to this one, sir."
I tell you right now, that kid looked as cute as Shirley Temple right then. She could have told me she slashed my tires & I'd still be thinking "Awwww" that's just too cute!
They're good friends & often like working with each other in class. Normally, this would cause problems but these two children are not like most preoccupied youngsters in a martial arts class.
Laural & Annie are two young kids (best guess: 8 & 10 respectively) who have always shown a little more enthusiasm & effort than the other children in the school. Now, I don't think it's anything unusual for a girl to have more focus than a boy. Let's face it: even in the pre-pubescent stage of our lives, we boys are more easily distracted than Rosie O'Donnell at an RNC convention hearing someone yell, "Free Ho-hos"! What is different about these two is when they work together, they WORK together.
For you parents & teachers out there who see nothing but horrible possibilities stemming from the hi jinks of two young girls, let me lay your fears to rest. These two, who missed class for separate, unfortunate circumstances, actually asked me to have more time to work on their forms!
This is the equivalent of a young daughter walking up her parents & asking for more time to do math homework, eat vegetables, etc. Shocking doesn't quite cover it.
Soooo, I left them to their own devices & handled the rest of class. Every now & then I'd look over & see them, sure enough, hard at work on their forms. I can only remember thinking how impressive it was that I could leave two kids alone & see them dedicated to exactly the task they set out to do.
We went through the rest of class & lined up to bow out. That's when I decided to use their good example & subtly (is that a word?) let the class know how impressed I was that these two studious young ladies had thrown all this effort into learning their forms to get ready for junior black belt. Here's how it went:
Me: "Laural, how did yours & Annie's forms go?"
Laural: "They went really well, sir."
::Bless her heart, she even said "sir" like she's supposed to!::
Me: "So, how far did the two of you get?"
(To explain, we have 1 form per belt & two for their belt level. They have 11 forms to do for their next belt. Each has a name. Laural did not use the name.)
Laural: (Smiles. Raises hands to imitate start of her highest form) "Uh, we got to this one, sir."
I tell you right now, that kid looked as cute as Shirley Temple right then. She could have told me she slashed my tires & I'd still be thinking "Awwww" that's just too cute!
8/6/07
Lucky Amateur!
You know, I spent the better part of the last four (4) years learning how to fall without injury. Most times - most, I said - I succeeded.
Falling on ice without a scratch? Check.
Slipped on a bad step with no problems? Done that.
Being dropped horizontally from four feet up? Ha! All the time.
Air falls aren't even a problem anymore. Then along comes this little twerp to steal my thunder! Honestly, four years of busting my butt to be shown up by a pubescent teenager! The nerve!
Seriously, I'm glad he's OK. I just want to know what his secret is...
Falling on ice without a scratch? Check.
Slipped on a bad step with no problems? Done that.
Being dropped horizontally from four feet up? Ha! All the time.
Air falls aren't even a problem anymore. Then along comes this little twerp to steal my thunder! Honestly, four years of busting my butt to be shown up by a pubescent teenager! The nerve!
Seriously, I'm glad he's OK. I just want to know what his secret is...
But Do Felonies Get You Bonus Points?
A new video game exploiting one of the hot-button political issues of today is out on the market. In it, the player can take the role of an immigrant on anything from a student visa to refugees.
Sure, there couldn't possibly be a political bent on this aimed at showing how "unfair" the system is to immigrants. Never mind that we have a pretty open - border pun not intended - means of people to come here legally. Forget that visas are issued with the idea the person is visiting for a specific purpose. And toss out the fact any child born in this country is automatically blessed with citizenship.
No, the game is there to show you "how it feels" to be an illegal immigrant.
Well, I think there are plenty of people who can relate to this. How about the families who won't have children coming home because of 100% preventable crimes? No, there's no mention of that being part of the "experience". What? Do you get bonus points in this game - a la Grand Theft Auto - for killing people while you're an illegal?
This developer can spare me the self-righteous load of crap of "how would you feel". How would I feel if I was somewhere I wasn't supposed to be? If I killed or hurt anyone because I was somewhere I wasn't supposed to be? Well, since I have a conscience, I guess that's an easy question to answer:
I wouldn't be there in the first place.
Sure, there couldn't possibly be a political bent on this aimed at showing how "unfair" the system is to immigrants. Never mind that we have a pretty open - border pun not intended - means of people to come here legally. Forget that visas are issued with the idea the person is visiting for a specific purpose. And toss out the fact any child born in this country is automatically blessed with citizenship.
No, the game is there to show you "how it feels" to be an illegal immigrant.
Well, I think there are plenty of people who can relate to this. How about the families who won't have children coming home because of 100% preventable crimes? No, there's no mention of that being part of the "experience". What? Do you get bonus points in this game - a la Grand Theft Auto - for killing people while you're an illegal?
This developer can spare me the self-righteous load of crap of "how would you feel". How would I feel if I was somewhere I wasn't supposed to be? If I killed or hurt anyone because I was somewhere I wasn't supposed to be? Well, since I have a conscience, I guess that's an easy question to answer:
I wouldn't be there in the first place.
8/4/07
Not So Good
I had a very bad "first" at work.
It wasn't a mistake. Or something I said. Not even a flurry of bleeps...
I had a small panic attack. Or at least that's what I'd call it. My breathing got short, my chest felt tight. It was like someone was giving me a big, mean bearhug that I couldn't escape.
I was completely stressed at the time & I have been for awhile. I just can't think straight at that place anymore. I do more & more for seemingly empty promises.
My promotion? Still on hold.
My raise? Same deal.
The promise that we'd never be short on my shift again? Broken for the fourth time.
I'm not one to break down but last night almost did it. It was so incredibly brutal & in the midst of it all we had a driver involved in an accident. He hit a drunk driver who pulled out in front of him.
The drunk driver was killed. Our driver was shaken badly but OK. Thank Heaven his family lives close by to comfort him. I spent a few minutes talking to him on the phone before they got there. I think my talk helped maybe a little. I can't be sure.
It was the only thing, maybe, that prevented me from having a full breakdown & bursting into tears. I'm not so quick to cry but I feel sooo unappreciated by the company I think I do so much for. Harder is the realization that I could just walk in & with two words set myself free from all the pain & agony of this employer.
I wonder if it's pride. I wonder if it's fear. Most of all, I have to wonder if it's worth staying there any longer.
It wasn't a mistake. Or something I said. Not even a flurry of bleeps...
I had a small panic attack. Or at least that's what I'd call it. My breathing got short, my chest felt tight. It was like someone was giving me a big, mean bearhug that I couldn't escape.
I was completely stressed at the time & I have been for awhile. I just can't think straight at that place anymore. I do more & more for seemingly empty promises.
My promotion? Still on hold.
My raise? Same deal.
The promise that we'd never be short on my shift again? Broken for the fourth time.
I'm not one to break down but last night almost did it. It was so incredibly brutal & in the midst of it all we had a driver involved in an accident. He hit a drunk driver who pulled out in front of him.
The drunk driver was killed. Our driver was shaken badly but OK. Thank Heaven his family lives close by to comfort him. I spent a few minutes talking to him on the phone before they got there. I think my talk helped maybe a little. I can't be sure.
It was the only thing, maybe, that prevented me from having a full breakdown & bursting into tears. I'm not so quick to cry but I feel sooo unappreciated by the company I think I do so much for. Harder is the realization that I could just walk in & with two words set myself free from all the pain & agony of this employer.
I wonder if it's pride. I wonder if it's fear. Most of all, I have to wonder if it's worth staying there any longer.
8/3/07
2nd Degree Essay
As (long ago) promised, here is my 2nd Degree Essay. Mrs. Who, I'm particularly interested in your thoughts. This sucker's long, so it may take you some time.
As with the 1st Degree Essay, feel free to read it, give me input & offer general opinions. I have to draw the line at anyone copying this work as your own, publishing on another form of media, etc.
Honestly folks, I just earned my 2nd degree black belt & am about to go for another one in Hapkido! Use your heads...
Besides, that's just plain rude! :-)
As with the 1st Degree Essay, feel free to read it, give me input & offer general opinions. I have to draw the line at anyone copying this work as your own, publishing on another form of media, etc.
Honestly folks, I just earned my 2nd degree black belt & am about to go for another one in Hapkido! Use your heads...
Besides, that's just plain rude! :-)
7/31/07
I Didn't Get Beat Up By A Girl!
That's right. The most worrisome part of my 2nd degree test was having to spar a woman.
Did I mention it was a very attractive woman?
Who was quite fast?
Well, point is, I didn't get my butt kicked. I did pretty darn well by all accounts. No, I didn't hurt her - if that's what you're worried about - I'm sure she could have hurt me just as much as I her. I did manage to get a couple would-be knockouts to her head (no contact). She gave as well as she got, though.
The 2nd degree test went very well. I was pretty well winded by the time we got to self-defense. We're talking stomach cramps, doubled over but still fighting kind of pain! I did a couple takedowns that were fairly impressive & a few that somehow got the job done.
Breaking, not really my strong suit but still something I do well, came off better than expected. I put my hand through two bricks like they were barely there! The first one split down the middle like I took a saw to it & the bottom one broke into three large pieces. All well by my account.
Here's the video:
Ah, then came the candle - yes, this little monster of a test. I had to punch out the flame of a candle with a punch. Really, it's not as hard as you might think - you just punch, twist & put your hips into it. Sucker was out & smoldering like Lindsay Lohan on a coke bender.
Lastly came the Q & A - no, Harvey, this isn't as entertaining as the other "& A" you might have wanted to hear about. The questions were pointed, serious & difficult. Mr. Scott pulled no punches, as it were, & asked me if I felt I could take over for my instructor (No, of course!) & how well I felt I could pass on my knowledge to others (Technique - yes, Philosophy, not entirely). It was a heck of a grilling.
As you may have guessed, I survived. Yes, I was promoted to 2nd Degree in TKD! It's an accomplishment that can only be properly celebrated with beer...which I already did...& sleep, which I'm about to do. :-)
I'm going to be sooooo sore in the morning.
Did I mention it was a very attractive woman?
Who was quite fast?
Well, point is, I didn't get my butt kicked. I did pretty darn well by all accounts. No, I didn't hurt her - if that's what you're worried about - I'm sure she could have hurt me just as much as I her. I did manage to get a couple would-be knockouts to her head (no contact). She gave as well as she got, though.
The 2nd degree test went very well. I was pretty well winded by the time we got to self-defense. We're talking stomach cramps, doubled over but still fighting kind of pain! I did a couple takedowns that were fairly impressive & a few that somehow got the job done.
Breaking, not really my strong suit but still something I do well, came off better than expected. I put my hand through two bricks like they were barely there! The first one split down the middle like I took a saw to it & the bottom one broke into three large pieces. All well by my account.
Here's the video:
Ah, then came the candle - yes, this little monster of a test. I had to punch out the flame of a candle with a punch. Really, it's not as hard as you might think - you just punch, twist & put your hips into it. Sucker was out & smoldering like Lindsay Lohan on a coke bender.
Lastly came the Q & A - no, Harvey, this isn't as entertaining as the other "& A" you might have wanted to hear about. The questions were pointed, serious & difficult. Mr. Scott pulled no punches, as it were, & asked me if I felt I could take over for my instructor (No, of course!) & how well I felt I could pass on my knowledge to others (Technique - yes, Philosophy, not entirely). It was a heck of a grilling.
As you may have guessed, I survived. Yes, I was promoted to 2nd Degree in TKD! It's an accomplishment that can only be properly celebrated with beer...which I already did...& sleep, which I'm about to do. :-)
I'm going to be sooooo sore in the morning.
7/29/07
Hock Seminar
Man, was this a blast! We started about 10am, with an hour for lunch, and went to about 430pm. The focus started with multiple assailants & moved into such concepts as hyper-extensions with weapon disarms & recoveries at the end.
The multiple assailants part really stuck with me. You are "attacked" by three people whose purpose is to prevent you from getting to the door at the other end of the room. You start off surrounded by them & any manner of grabs/pushes are fair game. All they have to do is take you down & it's over. According to Hock, I am only the second person ever at one of his seminars to escape successfully.
The trick, he said, is that I didn't try to fight off three people at once - like many other martial artists do - I just tried to get out of there. I would advocate anyone else do the same. Heck, I'd say try it the next time you have a bunch of people together! It's valuable to get used to the "panic" feeling. Believe me, that's exactly what happens when you're trying to escape - even when the "attackers" are your friends.
Another tactic we went over is when you're actually knocked down & multiple people are kicking you. Now, we only did light taps instead of rib-busting kicks but the freaked-out feeling is still there. Trying to get up when everything is in your face like that can be intimidating. Try it & you'll see what I mean.
The weapon disarms/recoveries were tough but valuable. There are plenty of tricks to prevent a person from overpowering your weapon away. This is particularly useful for women, who may be at risk of a large assailant believing he can easily disarm them. With practice in this area, that attacker will be sorely disappointed.
The joint manipulation part - with hyper-extensions - was fun but required the most coordination. The part where we had to practice capturing the stick weapon was particularly painful. You catch it under your arm & trap. The person with the weapon then cranks your arm over the top, using the stick you just caught as a lever to take you down. Hard.
Overall, a great experience that I'd recommend for anyone with self-defense in mind. It's harsh, there's some pain & you can be beaten by overwhelming force or just bad luck.
Just like real life, come to think of it...
The multiple assailants part really stuck with me. You are "attacked" by three people whose purpose is to prevent you from getting to the door at the other end of the room. You start off surrounded by them & any manner of grabs/pushes are fair game. All they have to do is take you down & it's over. According to Hock, I am only the second person ever at one of his seminars to escape successfully.
The trick, he said, is that I didn't try to fight off three people at once - like many other martial artists do - I just tried to get out of there. I would advocate anyone else do the same. Heck, I'd say try it the next time you have a bunch of people together! It's valuable to get used to the "panic" feeling. Believe me, that's exactly what happens when you're trying to escape - even when the "attackers" are your friends.
Another tactic we went over is when you're actually knocked down & multiple people are kicking you. Now, we only did light taps instead of rib-busting kicks but the freaked-out feeling is still there. Trying to get up when everything is in your face like that can be intimidating. Try it & you'll see what I mean.
The weapon disarms/recoveries were tough but valuable. There are plenty of tricks to prevent a person from overpowering your weapon away. This is particularly useful for women, who may be at risk of a large assailant believing he can easily disarm them. With practice in this area, that attacker will be sorely disappointed.
The joint manipulation part - with hyper-extensions - was fun but required the most coordination. The part where we had to practice capturing the stick weapon was particularly painful. You catch it under your arm & trap. The person with the weapon then cranks your arm over the top, using the stick you just caught as a lever to take you down. Hard.
Overall, a great experience that I'd recommend for anyone with self-defense in mind. It's harsh, there's some pain & you can be beaten by overwhelming force or just bad luck.
Just like real life, come to think of it...
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